Author Archives: Sarah Jagger

there is this…

OR… there WAS that…

a new baby… on the way…

soon!

offically 38 weeks, so yes, VERY soon!

ANNNND then I delivered two weeks early, of course, before i pressed publish

and so, here we are

a family of four

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with two little girls

eeeep! sisters! (we didn’t find out the gender before birth)

and life feels SO full

full in the exhausting, time-flying-yet-sooo-slow, when and HOW do you grocery shop/ clean / cook / BLOG, unison crying, 7pm adult-bedtime type of FULL

BUT, also the heart-bursting, big-sister-kissing, bed-full of GIRLS in matching pjs, newborn snoozing of chest, absolute JOY type of FULL

nursing

and just about every five minutes of the last four weeks I’ve wondered HOW DID WE GET HERE?! and THANK GOODNESS we are HERE.

i won’t shadow this post with the nitty gritty, but this pregnancy was not an easy one for me (emotionally). the dark winter i last spoke about coupled with pregnancy hormones and scary realities we know too much about made me sad and anxious. sharing the news we were expecting felt too presumptuous and even family and close friends who might not have seen us once i’d started showing were shocked and confused by a “new baby!” announcement last month. there are these things i’ve learned i don’t need to apologize or make excuses for…

and so… now…

our littlest girl is here!

eve

eve emerson

born quickly and HEALTHY on the 29th of May

emily is SO excited to have her own baby to “cuh-wool”… she is excited to tell just about anyone about “baby eve!” and rocks her seat, offers a binky from her own mouth and buries her in toys when she makes the slightest of peeps.

we are over the moon

sisters…

firstlook

wow. i am so excited for these two to have each other, forever…

forever grateful that our dear friend and amazing photographer christine chitnis was able to capture the first moments when emily met her baby sister.

grey days

i know it seems odd, now that the sun is finally shining                                                                    and we are waking each day to birds chirping through open windows                                            to be talking about the grey days…

but i suppose, that’s how it happens-

sometimes, those grey days are so very dark                                                                                      that it takes all we have                                                                                                                              to get through them                                                                                                                                   and get up… and do it all again

that we don’t realize until we are on the other side

just how

DARK

they were.

my silence here over the past months

has not been for a lack of wanting to write and create                                                                       but day after dreary day                                                                                                                              i found myself

tired, lonely, sad, uninspired, scared…

it’s not pretty.  any of it.  but that it where i’ve been.                                                                  ignoring emails, dodging friend’s phone calls and canceling plans.

not a new england soul was spared of the hell that was winter 2014-15.                                     THAT is true                                                                                                                                                 and i am so very grateful for my little bird, who happily bopped around our kitchen                  day after very. long. day…

she got me up each morning with a smile and we baked, and danced and sang, yes!                 but in the moments of in-between-                                                                                                        the long grey stretches of hours spent in our stale kitchen                                                                  it was then                                                                                                                                                  that my mind wandered and worried and wondered…

i’ve been told, and read and re-read that there is no roadmap for loss and it’s aftermath         that just when you think you’ve pulled yourself together                                                                  you find yourself all unbuttoned-                                                                                                           right in the middle of the grocery store. or a stop light. or your kitchen floor.

it was on this kitchen floor, during one such breakdown, however silent i thought my tears were falling, that my little bird, dug my sneakers from our shoe bin, lugged them over and dropped them in my lap and simply said “SHOOOES, mama!”                                                                               because already, she knew- fresh air and a brisk walk- is just what we needed to snap out of a funk.

and we did it. we got through. we’re getting through…

so… i’m still here, and i hope you are too…                                                                                           because spring now very quickly, summer (!) is here…

                                                                                                                                                                     and this little bird of mine?  we’ve got dreams and hopes and sun and adventures to share…

happygirls xo thank you

red tail hawk captured by christine chitnis, just outside my studio window, december 2014

blanket for my beach babe

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baby blankets.

yes, these days, they do seem to be a dime a dozen- stroller blankets, muslin lovies, craft fair creations are all favorite baby shower go-tos.

we have a pile on emily’s bedroom shelf of these gifted blankies and they just make my heart smile when i walk in the door- the stitches and mix-matched fabric, the knits and purls all made-with-love by family and friends excited to meet our girl.

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unlike my brother, whose “nahnnie” was so loved that all that remains is a few matted shreads and threads (literally! in a ziplock bag!), i was never a “blankie girl”…

 i do still have my mint green baby blanket that my mum stitched for me, with excitement, while i grew inside her.  although it wasn’t my secuirty blanket, it did come with me to boarding school, and college and now sits in that pile of emily’s beautiful blankets.

and it still has that smell. 

that comforting, bring-you-right-back smell of childhood and home…

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i’ve long dreamed of sewing baby blankets for my own babies. that first, special, made-with-love by mama gift…

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so when we discovered that we were having a girl, and a summer babe, at that, i pulled out the double-gauze mermaid fabric i’ve saved for ages.

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i paired it with a few fabrics inherited from my grama’s stash,  some favorites bought over the years at purl and a gorgeous (though INSANELY labor intensive) scallop pattern…

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it’s just perfect.

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just as i’d dreamed.

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for henry…

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we gathered again
on the 10th of august
for an evening at our happy place-

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the beach.

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with our people.

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dinner and wine (with the most perfect name).

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cake.
decorated with love, for the boy we celebrated.
wishes and prayers
we wrote
and sent-

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happy birthday 
we sang

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up to heaven
for our boy
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henry patrick waldo jagger
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smiles
and kisses
and tears
love and gratitude

two. xo

(last year)

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august, fully loaded…

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just when we get
deep into the delicious ease of july-
that sandy, joyful, barefoot, afternoon-napping bit of summer…
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august arrives-
uninvited.
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august is…
hard.
and fast… too fast…
heavy rememberances
dreaded goodbyes
twisted and mixed up with
joyful celebrations
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 wham! bam!
and it’s over-
like a tornado
through your soul
and then…
there your are.
exhausted. 
battered. 
and standing, yes… standing…
but alone
on an empty beach
everyone gone
but so not forgotten…
and every year it just feels harder-
this deep-in-your-bones emptiness
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and here we are
home
but so.very. homesick.
for our tribe.
and those summer days
we wait all year for…

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all of a sudden, we are here…
sitting on the edge of fall
not ready for the jump-

but before we can even take one last breath
school and meetings and a calendar full of appointments
are pushing us in.
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here. back, again…

well…
i guess that’s what i went ahead and did-
it’s been nearly 10 months since i’ve checked in here
and i’m not sure if there is anyone still out there
but i do hope so
and i thank you. thank you, for coming back

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the time away has been good to me
so, so very good to me
and i’ve found myself craving a return-
there is so much to share
(and a new look, coming soon
which feels so right and so good)
but for now, i’m ready
for the long over-due
dive back in
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this.

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nursing this babe
in a jumble of pillows
our bare skin
golden
in the milky early morning sun
a coolness of fall, nearly begun
and raindrops 
whispering good morning
while lulling us
back to sleep
these moments.
of motherhood
motherhood !
they are thick with joy
but they are going. too. fast.
i’m feeling desperate
to pause.
submerge.
and float around in each second.
i’ve always been
running ahead
always waiting and wanting for the next day, year, milestone…
my mum used to warn me not to “wish my life away”-
at three i was begging for kindergarten and soon after, for so long, all i wanted was to turn 30 (!)
to get married, to own a home, for babies…
but now
here i am-
a baby
our baby
deep asleep on my chest
and
life feels 
just. right.
it feels
like what i’ve been waiting 
my whole life for…
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celebrating henry

throughout this past pregnancy
i kept peaking ahead
to this month-

august
with a scramble of emotions-
love, fear, anxiety, pain, excitement
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the due date of our daughter
the anniversary of losing henry
i needed to find a way
to remember our sweet son
and the excitement i felt
on the day he was born-
the day i became a mom
in a way
that wasn’t totally 
sad
or 
scary
i needed a celebration.
to find a way to honor 
what a joy he was
in our lives
even
if it was only for just 
11 days
.
something to share 
with our family
who felt the loss of henry
almost as completely as we did
a new tradition
that our future children
would love 
so…
we planned a birthday beach night-
our favorite kind of easy summer celebration

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a sand-side picnic

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our favorite people

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mama-decorated birthday cake

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taps at sunset

and then

after the sun had gone down
we sent paper lanterns
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into the night sky

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decorated with our 
wishes + prayers
for henry patrick

on his first birthday
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and it was
a celebration

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with love and thanks
xo
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she

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emily waldo jagger
arrived thursday
august 8th
at 9:40am
oh, oh…
there is so very much to share
and i will
but i’m completely distracted
by her milky, deep-sleep sighs 
on my chest
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it’s been almost exactly a month
since i’ve posted
and it’s been a bursting one for sure-
a roller coaster 
of summer goodness
paralyzing anxiety
and love
love. love. love.
with each 
long-awaited 
deep, deep breath 
that i take
weighted only by 6lbs 12oz
of slumbering sweetness
i can feel 
my heart
being stitched 
from the bottom 
up…

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welcome
sweet birdie
welcome
xoxo

photos: orchardcove

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rainy summer sundays

those lazy summer days
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hazy with light rain
guiltlessly off the beach
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 sprawled across a couch
falling deeper
into a good book
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lunching

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with the whole crew
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around the family table
in the light of day
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lobster 

laughter
and
full bellies

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sunhats

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waiting…