Category Archives: loss

there is this…

OR… there WAS that…

a new baby… on the way…

soon!

offically 38 weeks, so yes, VERY soon!

ANNNND then I delivered two weeks early, of course, before i pressed publish

and so, here we are

a family of four

fam4

with two little girls

eeeep! sisters! (we didn’t find out the gender before birth)

and life feels SO full

full in the exhausting, time-flying-yet-sooo-slow, when and HOW do you grocery shop/ clean / cook / BLOG, unison crying, 7pm adult-bedtime type of FULL

BUT, also the heart-bursting, big-sister-kissing, bed-full of GIRLS in matching pjs, newborn snoozing of chest, absolute JOY type of FULL

nursing

and just about every five minutes of the last four weeks I’ve wondered HOW DID WE GET HERE?! and THANK GOODNESS we are HERE.

i won’t shadow this post with the nitty gritty, but this pregnancy was not an easy one for me (emotionally). the dark winter i last spoke about coupled with pregnancy hormones and scary realities we know too much about made me sad and anxious. sharing the news we were expecting felt too presumptuous and even family and close friends who might not have seen us once i’d started showing were shocked and confused by a “new baby!” announcement last month. there are these things i’ve learned i don’t need to apologize or make excuses for…

and so… now…

our littlest girl is here!

eve

eve emerson

born quickly and HEALTHY on the 29th of May

emily is SO excited to have her own baby to “cuh-wool”… she is excited to tell just about anyone about “baby eve!” and rocks her seat, offers a binky from her own mouth and buries her in toys when she makes the slightest of peeps.

we are over the moon

sisters…

firstlook

wow. i am so excited for these two to have each other, forever…

forever grateful that our dear friend and amazing photographer christine chitnis was able to capture the first moments when emily met her baby sister.

grey days

i know it seems odd, now that the sun is finally shining                                                                    and we are waking each day to birds chirping through open windows                                            to be talking about the grey days…

but i suppose, that’s how it happens-

sometimes, those grey days are so very dark                                                                                      that it takes all we have                                                                                                                              to get through them                                                                                                                                   and get up… and do it all again

that we don’t realize until we are on the other side

just how

DARK

they were.

my silence here over the past months

has not been for a lack of wanting to write and create                                                                       but day after dreary day                                                                                                                              i found myself

tired, lonely, sad, uninspired, scared…

it’s not pretty.  any of it.  but that it where i’ve been.                                                                  ignoring emails, dodging friend’s phone calls and canceling plans.

not a new england soul was spared of the hell that was winter 2014-15.                                     THAT is true                                                                                                                                                 and i am so very grateful for my little bird, who happily bopped around our kitchen                  day after very. long. day…

she got me up each morning with a smile and we baked, and danced and sang, yes!                 but in the moments of in-between-                                                                                                        the long grey stretches of hours spent in our stale kitchen                                                                  it was then                                                                                                                                                  that my mind wandered and worried and wondered…

i’ve been told, and read and re-read that there is no roadmap for loss and it’s aftermath         that just when you think you’ve pulled yourself together                                                                  you find yourself all unbuttoned-                                                                                                           right in the middle of the grocery store. or a stop light. or your kitchen floor.

it was on this kitchen floor, during one such breakdown, however silent i thought my tears were falling, that my little bird, dug my sneakers from our shoe bin, lugged them over and dropped them in my lap and simply said “SHOOOES, mama!”                                                                               because already, she knew- fresh air and a brisk walk- is just what we needed to snap out of a funk.

and we did it. we got through. we’re getting through…

so… i’m still here, and i hope you are too…                                                                                           because spring now very quickly, summer (!) is here…

                                                                                                                                                                     and this little bird of mine?  we’ve got dreams and hopes and sun and adventures to share…

happygirls xo thank you

red tail hawk captured by christine chitnis, just outside my studio window, december 2014

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for henry…

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we gathered again
on the 10th of august
for an evening at our happy place-

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the beach.

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with our people.

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dinner and wine (with the most perfect name).

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cake.
decorated with love, for the boy we celebrated.
wishes and prayers
we wrote
and sent-

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happy birthday 
we sang

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up to heaven
for our boy
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henry patrick waldo jagger
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smiles
and kisses
and tears
love and gratitude

two. xo

(last year)

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august, fully loaded…

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just when we get
deep into the delicious ease of july-
that sandy, joyful, barefoot, afternoon-napping bit of summer…
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august arrives-
uninvited.
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august is…
hard.
and fast… too fast…
heavy rememberances
dreaded goodbyes
twisted and mixed up with
joyful celebrations
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 wham! bam!
and it’s over-
like a tornado
through your soul
and then…
there your are.
exhausted. 
battered. 
and standing, yes… standing…
but alone
on an empty beach
everyone gone
but so not forgotten…
and every year it just feels harder-
this deep-in-your-bones emptiness
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and here we are
home
but so.very. homesick.
for our tribe.
and those summer days
we wait all year for…

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all of a sudden, we are here…
sitting on the edge of fall
not ready for the jump-

but before we can even take one last breath
school and meetings and a calendar full of appointments
are pushing us in.
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celebrating henry

throughout this past pregnancy
i kept peaking ahead
to this month-

august
with a scramble of emotions-
love, fear, anxiety, pain, excitement
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the due date of our daughter
the anniversary of losing henry
i needed to find a way
to remember our sweet son
and the excitement i felt
on the day he was born-
the day i became a mom
in a way
that wasn’t totally 
sad
or 
scary
i needed a celebration.
to find a way to honor 
what a joy he was
in our lives
even
if it was only for just 
11 days
.
something to share 
with our family
who felt the loss of henry
almost as completely as we did
a new tradition
that our future children
would love 
so…
we planned a birthday beach night-
our favorite kind of easy summer celebration

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a sand-side picnic

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our favorite people

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mama-decorated birthday cake

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taps at sunset

and then

after the sun had gone down
we sent paper lanterns
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into the night sky

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decorated with our 
wishes + prayers
for henry patrick

on his first birthday
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and it was
a celebration

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with love and thanks
xo
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she

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emily waldo jagger
arrived thursday
august 8th
at 9:40am
oh, oh…
there is so very much to share
and i will
but i’m completely distracted
by her milky, deep-sleep sighs 
on my chest
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it’s been almost exactly a month
since i’ve posted
and it’s been a bursting one for sure-
a roller coaster 
of summer goodness
paralyzing anxiety
and love
love. love. love.
with each 
long-awaited 
deep, deep breath 
that i take
weighted only by 6lbs 12oz
of slumbering sweetness
i can feel 
my heart
being stitched 
from the bottom 
up…

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welcome
sweet birdie
welcome
xoxo

photos: orchardcove

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faith

To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace.
                                                        Oscar Wilde

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with summer now upon us
and this next chapter
right around the corner
it’s time to share-
we’re expecting.
the past year has been a roller coaster to be sure-
anticipation, immense joy, soul-crushing heartache, game-changing friendship
fear, hope, anxiety, small miracles, trust
and 
love
now, at 32 weeks
there is no hiding this bump of our soon-to-arrive baby
no, we haven’t shouted this pregnancy from the roof tops-
but
we are so very happy.
and grateful.
and excited.
also, yes, a little scared.
we are taking life one day at a time.
healing
and fostering confidence
we are looking forward
to august-
to remembering our boy
by celebrating his birthday
and to
welcoming
 his little sister
(yes! a girl!)
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happy list

a collection
of the little things that have made my week

OH shnikes!
i’ve been meaning and meaning and meaning
to get to this place
but
JUNE!
is here!
and half gone!
life has been busy, busy, busy
which, i suppose
is good-
these last two months-
filled with holidays celebrating parenthood
and warming tide pools filled with splashing babies
has left my heart heavier than i expected…
but, of course
there are the very happy things
that come with early summer, too…
dining al fresco
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in our sweet backyard
rising with the sun
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and finding such beauty
custom ellas
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on their way to a colorado wedding
(and to be worn with cowboy boots! love!)
a surprise delivery
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local, organic, summer berries
oh. my. yum.
and
the most happy thing of all-
the arrival of my people
those friends who really are family
whose summer migration north
makes every. little. thing.
feel
just

right.

Hallelujah.
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happy list

a collection
of the little things that have made my week

oh my-
what a month…
it’s been 
insanely busy
with work
and very hard-
mother’s day 
blindsided me
but bits of brightness
have gotten me here-
to the unofficial start of 
summer 
2013
hallelujah.

a little gift
of a full bunch
of the sweetest smelling bells
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made a house in desperate need of a deep clean
 delightful

stitching
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new designs
for a dear friend’s
gatsby-esque
wedding
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and celebrating love

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with raspberry meringue
on top

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happy list: farm life

a collection
of the little things that have made my week

i spent last week in virginia…
going back
to
that very special
place
down the tree lined drive
and to it’s
people
felt like going
home

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a very welcome happy list
during a february
that has felt
darker
than this darkest month
has ever felt before

hot tea
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served with girl talk

linen sheets

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best on a freshly made bed, after yoga and a warm bath…
crumpled perfection by morning

creamy oats and fresh berries

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wholesome goodness to start the day

slivers of sunshine

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spring, breaking through

clawfoot tubs

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because floating
seems to be the best kind of therapy
early evening walks
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beauty in the ordinary
home cooking
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truly the way to a teenager’s heart

found beams + wrought iron

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the very best of barn living

surrogate pet snuggles

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(i missed my girls)

linens on the line

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misson accomplished. home safe.