Category Archives: motherhood

grey days

i know it seems odd, now that the sun is finally shining                                                                    and we are waking each day to birds chirping through open windows                                            to be talking about the grey days…

but i suppose, that’s how it happens-

sometimes, those grey days are so very dark                                                                                      that it takes all we have                                                                                                                              to get through them                                                                                                                                   and get up… and do it all again

that we don’t realize until we are on the other side

just how

DARK

they were.

my silence here over the past months

has not been for a lack of wanting to write and create                                                                       but day after dreary day                                                                                                                              i found myself

tired, lonely, sad, uninspired, scared…

it’s not pretty.  any of it.  but that it where i’ve been.                                                                  ignoring emails, dodging friend’s phone calls and canceling plans.

not a new england soul was spared of the hell that was winter 2014-15.                                     THAT is true                                                                                                                                                 and i am so very grateful for my little bird, who happily bopped around our kitchen                  day after very. long. day…

she got me up each morning with a smile and we baked, and danced and sang, yes!                 but in the moments of in-between-                                                                                                        the long grey stretches of hours spent in our stale kitchen                                                                  it was then                                                                                                                                                  that my mind wandered and worried and wondered…

i’ve been told, and read and re-read that there is no roadmap for loss and it’s aftermath         that just when you think you’ve pulled yourself together                                                                  you find yourself all unbuttoned-                                                                                                           right in the middle of the grocery store. or a stop light. or your kitchen floor.

it was on this kitchen floor, during one such breakdown, however silent i thought my tears were falling, that my little bird, dug my sneakers from our shoe bin, lugged them over and dropped them in my lap and simply said “SHOOOES, mama!”                                                                               because already, she knew- fresh air and a brisk walk- is just what we needed to snap out of a funk.

and we did it. we got through. we’re getting through…

so… i’m still here, and i hope you are too…                                                                                           because spring now very quickly, summer (!) is here…

                                                                                                                                                                     and this little bird of mine?  we’ve got dreams and hopes and sun and adventures to share…

happygirls xo thank you

red tail hawk captured by christine chitnis, just outside my studio window, december 2014

nursingweb_zps2ceb5778

this.

 photo nursingweb_zps2ceb5778.jpg
nursing this babe
in a jumble of pillows
our bare skin
golden
in the milky early morning sun
a coolness of fall, nearly begun
and raindrops 
whispering good morning
while lulling us
back to sleep
these moments.
of motherhood
motherhood !
they are thick with joy
but they are going. too. fast.
i’m feeling desperate
to pause.
submerge.
and float around in each second.
i’ve always been
running ahead
always waiting and wanting for the next day, year, milestone…
my mum used to warn me not to “wish my life away”-
at three i was begging for kindergarten and soon after, for so long, all i wanted was to turn 30 (!)
to get married, to own a home, for babies…
but now
here i am-
a baby
our baby
deep asleep on my chest
and
life feels 
just. right.
it feels
like what i’ve been waiting 
my whole life for…